Why I drink Coffee…

I never understood morning people. Waking up anytime before 9am is complete madness to me. But being a full time student and having a full time job along with other extra things I do, I must embrace the discomfort of mornings. Coffee has always been part of my daily routine. The moment I am out of bed, I walk to the coffee pot. Drinking that first sip of heaven awakens my soul to prepare for the mysterious journey of  what lies ahead. That can sound a bit dramatic, however it is incredibly accurate. Not everyone may agree with my love for coffee.

I have heard it all. Caffeine will stunt your growth (which I had nothing to lose in the first place). Coffee will dehydrate you. Caffeine increases anxiety. Coffee over all is a drug. I think the jokes are funny when people call me an addict. I like to exaggerate by saying coffee owns me or its the reason I can work in retail. Even though there is truth in every joke, coffee does have a deeper meaning to me.

I have been drinking coffee religiously since I was 15 years old. I moved down to Florida to live with my dad and stepmom at that time to start my sophomore year. My dad encouraged me to start drinking one cup of coffee every morning so I can be fully alert for school that started at 7:30 am. However coffee has been part of my life before I started drinking it.

My dad and I always had a close relationship. I have numerous memories of us spending time together by watching funny movies and t.v. shows, going fishing, and goofing off at malls. My more fondest moments with him are when he and I would go to local coffee shops together. We both brought our laptops- he did work, I played Webkinz. I was too young to drink coffee so my dad would get me a hot chocolate. I remember the workers there would give me extra cups of whipped cream. Coffee has always been part of our relationship and it still is. We still meet early in the mornings at Starbucks to drink coffee and talk about life.

Coffee brings me comfort. Smelling the fresh aroma or drinking that first sip brings me back to cherished memories of my childhood. It reminds me that life can be simple and even the smallest things can make up for the difficult moments we endure. Without the hardships in life, there would be no such thing as the phrase “it is the little things in life.” Good things that happen would not be as enjoyable. In fact there would be no meaning to the small things in life.

So call me crazy, but coffee brings me happiness. It represents the bond I have with my father and sweetness of my childhood. No matter what people will say, it will continue to be part of my life. Along with a cup of water to match every cup of coffee.

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How broke is a broke college student?

Everyone has heard the phrase “broke college student.” We can make all the jokes we want (I for sure do) but there is so much truth to it. Unlike the typical college student, I still live at home with parents who provide. I still pay bills and what not, but I would not consider myself struggling financially. At least not now. Most college students do struggle financially because all of our money goes towards the expenses of living away from home and the insane amounts of college debt. Along with the stress of finances, there is also the stress of trying to figure out what in the world we need to do with the direction of our lives.

Last weekend, I had the opportunity to go on this amazing conference with some awesome girls. The conference emphasized on being a strong leader in school, work etc. Not only was this a good learning experience, I gained a lot from the moments of bonding with my fellow leadership instructors.

My good friend Lizbeth and I shared a room together for those three days. We always do the craziest things whenever we are together. Being broke and trying to save our dinner money for the conference, we did not want to spend a whole three dollars on one water bottle offered in the vending machine. While we were looking at the vending machine, we found an ice machine and one idea led to another and we somehow ended up in our hotel bathroom with a buck of ice melting it with a hair dryer. 23223271_1478299072247297_792180709_o23224674_1478298728913998_1935027310_oWe saved money and created a memory that will never be forgotten.

Sometimes life gets too serious and you need to be silly to relieve the tension. Even though three dollars was not much, we got get our creative juices flowing.

I love being in college even though being broke can be hard. But college brings a community of struggling young adults who are getting stressed out with responsibility. Even though we may not know what will happen after college, we have the memories, experiences and long lasting friendships that will outlast the temporary stress.

A Banana Perspective

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Almost every American has been to a Wal-Mart at least once in their life. This supermarket is convenient due to its 24/7 hours, low prices, and its acceptance of food stamps. As a broke college student who works odd retail hours, I spend a lot of time in the local Wal-Mart for groceries and other resources for the everyday life. I have found myself going there just for fun when there is nothing open or I do not feel like driving too far. My friends and I joke about how you can either eat or go to Walmart to have fun in our small town. Occasionally when I have free time with my friends, we go to Wal-Mart just look around and buy some cute, cheap jewelry or lots of junk food. We decided to take our odd hobby to the extreme.

 

A few weeks ago there was a movie night going on at my college. My friend was leading the event to promote their club. They wanted a good turn out so thought they needed someone to walk around the school to market the movie night. The best way to grab people’s attention was to have someone dress up in the banana costume while walking around the campus. She was looking for a volunteer, and naturally I said I would do it. After walking around the school for 15 minutes, I noticed the students payed more attention to me or put me on their snapchats. Overall I got good feedback and people showed up the movie night. But what does this have to do with Wal-Mart?

 

After helping my friend out, some of us wanted to go to Wal-Mart to get some candy and other junk like we usually do. I went too but decided to keep the banana suit on while in Wal-Mart. I wondered if I would get a more positive reaction from the shoppers as I did with college students. Once we got to the store, I hopped into a shopping cart and my friends took turns pushing me around. The moment we entered the store, no one seemed to notice. We went straight to the toy section and while my friends were messing with stuff I just sat in the cart casually like this is something I do with all of my free time. People walked by, different ages, and they looked at me and just carried on with what they were doing. We walked through the food isles too and got the same reaction. The only people who said anything were kids. They seemed more entertained by me than the adults did. The most awkward part was seeing one of my co-workers; so I just ducked in the cart hoping they would not see me. And they did not, as far as I know.

 

As we were leaving the store, a cashier saw me and said “Ayeeeee! Nice costume!” I was really bothered by why no one seemed to care that there was a random girl in a banana costume just hanging out in Wal-Mart. It could have been that most thought I was a child because I am so tiny and it is common that people have mistaken me for a 12 year old than a 19 year old. Or it could have been that after having a long day of running errands, over working themselves or dealing with whatever life threw in their faces that they were too focused on that than to just take a moment and laugh at someone’s ridiculousness.

 

Lately I have began to understand the importance of setting time for yourself. Working a full time job, going to school full time and keeping up with my internship and school activities, time seems to go by so fast and there never seems to be enough hours in the day. I am a busy-body kind of person and I love what I do no matter how crazy everyone says I am. But no matter what stage you are in life or what season it is, taking an hour or two a day or every couple of days is good for you mentally. I met with an old mentor and she told me that I was doing good things but don’t forget to take that extra time with God and my writing. Those things you enjoy doing that are not required for a job or tasks, make life more meaningful and fill you up with passion. Set some extra time aside to go to the beach, go shopping, or that spontaneous Wal-Mart trip with some close friends. For me, I feel complete and ready for the day when reading the Bible and journaling while drinking coffee in the morning. It feeds me spiritually and gives me the strength to take on whatever lies ahead during the day. Life is short, and every day is precious. Spend each moment making the most out of it. Or else you could end up as a zombie shopping in Wal-Mart not caring about the odd college, banana girl who makes odd choices for her free time.

Staying on Top

I spent most of my high school career taking the easy way out. The idea of ever challenging myself in any way seemed stressful to me. When I had homework to do, I would never go the extra mile and only did what I had to do get an alright grade. It was not until college started and my lazy ways started to hit me in back in the face.

Flashback to my first semester at HCC, I walked into my Public Speaking class, my first college class. The professor handed the class these complicated pieces of paper that were all labeled syllabus at the top. I knew of what a syllabus was and the purpose of it. After seeing the never-ending list of due dates and assignments, anxiety began to set in. I spent the whole semesters stressing out over my four easy classes. I knew college would be more difficult but little did I feel prepared. I struggled with barely passing my psychology class, which was ironic because that was my original major.

My struggle continued into the second semester. I tried hiding my stress from my friends and family because of the embarrassment I was feeling. I continuously tried to find the easy way out with all of my assignments, however my professors saw right through me.

I was also struggling with other areas in my life: organization. My car was gross, it smelled awful, and I found a dead frog in my trunk. My room at home, which I share with my 15 year old sister, was always trashed with actual trash on the ground and dirty laundry. My parents nagged me on a daily basis about it. My life just seemed like it was slipping. I felt I had little control over everything. It is that feeling that no matter what you do to try to change, you just cannot seem to. It was not until I applied for a teacher position to teach a leadership class with my fellow classmates.

Last summer I had to learn the importance of time management. I was working two job, a waitress and a cashier at a retail store. I also kept up with my internship with Focus Magazine. I was always on the move doing something. Once a week I met with my co-teachers for several hours to prepare the lesson plans for the fall semester. I also decided to take an online class during the summer. Sounds like a mouthful. I never planned to do all these things over the summer. I originally wanted to go on missions trips. But God changes your plans and you realize you like His plans much better.

Back to the leadership class, I got to know the Student Activities Coordinator better. She led us as we prepared for the class and gave us advice and taught us how to become better speakers. I tell her this all the time, but she is the reason I am able to stay organized while doing many things without going insane. Because of her, I realized that your planner becomes your best friend. She also taught me that wherever you are in life, whatever the job you have, to give everything your all and to never make up excuses for when you make mistakes. Every week, we had to show up on time for everything; which i struggled with. This lady has  the most beautiful office ever! Everything has a place and has a label. I now use these organization skills for my home life and for my new full time job working in retail.

I can never forget my dad’s impact either. He gave me his nifty planner and showed me how to dedicate an hour to whatever assignment I had to do. He also held me accountable for when I was being lazy and just watching t.v.

Also working at two jobs has influenced me to keep my car tidy because you never know when you will need to take a nap in there.

Last summer changed my life. It prepared for what was to come for the Fall semester. So far I don’t feel like I am slipping. I feel prepared and on top of things. I know God is preparing me now for something much bigger in my next season. It can be challenging, but God bring us up in training to make us stronger for His future purposes (Ephesians 6:4).

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Pressing Forward

When I was in high school I was super anxious to graduate and to get out of there as soon as I could. It is now my second year of college and I do enjoy college a lot more than high school. However, I do miss the simpler times at Plant City High School.

I was driving the other day and had a Christian music station playing in the background and different songs played that I used to listen to all the time my Junior year. I forgot the names but if I heard them again I could tell you which ones they are. When those songs played my mind went back to my Junior year of high school. Every afternoon I would sit in my cozy room at my desk listening to the radio as I did my homework with a cup of tea. I usually had to work later that evening so I wanted to get my homework done as soon as I could. I thought I had too much going on during that time, but man was I wrong.

Even though I do not completely miss high school, I do miss different moments and wish I could go back to change things. Who doesn’t want to change the past? Most people probably have something they want to fix or erase if they could go back in time. For me I would tell my younger self to not stress myself out so much and that it does not matter what other people think about you. Another thing would be to spend your money wisely and save as much as possible since I did not have many bills compared to now. I would also tell myself that there is so much more out there other than getting into relationships/meeting Mr. Right. I am glad that I was finally able to learn these different lessons as time progressed. But part of me still wants to warn my younger self of what the next couple of years held.

I’ve noticed that many, including myself, try to ignore what may have happened in the past. Especially when it was not the most pleasant memory. Yesterday I went to my Student Government training day and we watched the movie, Moana. There was a quote about how you need to look where you have been to know where you  are going. It made me think of the Bible verse: Philippians 3:13 “Brothers and sisters, I know that I still have a long way to go. But there is one thing I do: I forget what is in the past and try as hard as I can to reach the goal before me.” It is in our human nature to make mistakes. But rather than beating ourselves up for them, we can learn from them and press forward.

The mistakes I have made in the past have made me who I am today. I know I still have much to learn but I can rejoice in the grace I am given on a daily basis. I think we tend to put too much pressure on ourselves to be perfect at everything we do and say. We also tend to pressure those around us and come off as judgemental when someone “messes up.” Rather than pushing people down, we should shower them in love and grace and encourage them to do better next time rather than discouraging them. Why though? Because we have been shown a great love that is impossible to comprehend.

We cannot change what happened in the past. But we can make better decisions based on the lessons we have learned. Keep running the race and do not give up just because you had a bump in the road. It will be worth it in the end.

 

 

Sea Shells

It was a cool evening at Pass-a-Grille Beach. It was Father’s Day and my dad wanted to go to his favorite beach that evening. I had been working all morning and was very tired. But I wanted to do something special to honor my Dad that day, so I went along with the spontaneous beach trip. When go there, a storm had just passed and the water was calm and warm. I spent the next few hours just floating in the ocean. Everything was still. The sky was still, the water was still and my thoughts were still. I had not felt that relaxed in a very long time. I did not want that moment to end.

After floating around, I planted my feet in the ground; feeling the sand with my toes and trying to catch star fish. I stepped on something that felt like a rock at first. I picked up the “rock” and realized it was actually a sea shell. It was covered in muck (the best way to explain it). But I could see parts of the shell that showed me it was once a beautiful shell. I saw the vibrant colors it shyly showed. Sadly the junk on it was covering its alluring beauty.

This shell brought me to deep thought. Whatever we feed ourselves, whether it is spiritually, mentally or even physically, we become what we are surrounded by. Depending on the situation, it can be beneficial or hurtful. In the sea shell’s current status, it was harmful. There is no telling where this shell has been. Nor knowing how long to lose its prime. But what we can see is the aftermath of what it endured. It was not a pretty sight. This correlates to the storms we endure in our life. I have encountered individuals who have experienced horrific events and it led them to not being the most pleasant people to be around. Over the many years, one event can alter the person you end up becoming. Although experiences are what change people, they should change us for the greater good.

Isaiah 61:3 says,  “to grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified.”

We have little control over our external circumstances. But hat we can control is how we respond. Rather than indulging into temptations to forget for the moment, embrace the emotions hitting you all at once. Our storms are meant to make us stronger at the end. God uses those storms to mold us into stronger people so we can be prepared for whatever lies ahead. But if we let the situations turn our hearts turn into bitter and callused, it will hurt us in the long run.

God does not desire for us to be mucky sea-shells. He wants to reflect His beauty off of us. But how can that happen if we are covered up by what we feed ourselves? Life was never intended to be easy.

What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.

 

Love

After working in retail for almost three years I have met a variety of people. I enjoy working at the registers because it gives me a chance to connect with people, even if it is only for less than five minutes. Talking and meeting new people have always been one of my pleasures in life. Not every conversation is a happy one though. I have encountered angry customers who will curse me or my managers out. I have been in front of parents arguing with their kids. I met creepy men who made inappropriate comments about me or other workers. I have even seen a customer carrying a baby pig in her purse because she did not want her cat messing with it. Nothing phases me at work anymore. It was not until a week ago I met a customer who has been on my heart since.

She was a middle aged woman who came up to my register. I had just shared a pleasant conversation with an older lady with twenty-two cats. I was not expecting for my next conversation to take place. It started off with the usual “hello! How are you?” and I would begin scanning her items. She seemed alright to me. Just a regular shopper buying some cute merchandise. I complimented some décor she was purchasing for her bathroom. Me being my chatty self, I asked her if she was redecorating a bathroom. She told me she was actually moving to a new home and wanted something new for her master bathroom. So we started chatting and I found out she was married and her mother would be moving in with her and her husband. I said “oh, that must be exciting!” Out of nowhere she said: “Six months ago, my father committed suicide and now my mother is living with us because she does not want to live alone.”

I was silent. I saw the sadness on her face. Her eyes looked tired. I did not notice the lost look she had on her face until she told me what happened. She seemed like a strong woman who was just trying to stay strong during this crisis in her life. I had no idea if there were other family members affected as well. All I knew was that this woman was trying to keep her life together without falling apart herself. I stood there for a few seconds not knowing what I was going to say until this came out of my mouth: Even though this hurts so much, something good will come out of this. I did not know where I was going with that. Words kept pouring out of my mouth. I told her to start with baby steps. I asked her if she was close to her mom and she said of course. I told her to make the most of this time you will have living with your mother. I kept giving her encouraging words to the best of my ability.

Our encounter ended that night with her grabbing her bags and saying thank you so much. I have not seen that woman since. I hope I will see her again. If I could go back, I would have shared more of my faith with her. But I felt like I said what needed to be said in that moment.

Showing love towards someone is easy to do when you already have a form of relationship with them. It is harder when it is for a complete stranger. Having my faith in Jesus Christ encourages me to show love towards every person I come across. I am not always successful in doing so. But we love because God has loved us first. I have been reading a lot through Mark and learning about Christ’s love towards those who do not deserve it. Having that strength to be able to show compassion towards the unlovable is an admirable quality. But to gain that quality, one must be in deep love with God and to walk with Christ. Without the desire to walk the way God leads, we get caught up in ourselves and our selfish ways. As Christians, we are called to love everyone, just as Christ loved us to die for us. It says so in the Bible:

Colossians 2:6-7  Therefore as you have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him, having been firmly rooted and now being built up in Him and established in your faith, just as you were instructed, and overflowing with gratitude.

I know, so many churches will tell you that you are greatly loved by God. It may be part of their motto or hook to get people in their churches. It is spread across the country on billboards or car decals. The word “love” has become underestimated. For years I never really understood it. I had no idea what the Bible or Christians meant when they told me that I was loved by God. At least, not how strong that love actually is. Augustine best describes it as “God loves each of us as if there were only one of us.” His love cannot be perfectly described. Human words cannot even reach the levels of compassion He has for us. But what we can get close to is that the creator of the Universe and everything in it- wisdom, love, eternity, has a deep meaningful love for you that will never perish. His love is something that not other person can feel towards you. His love for each individual, no matter their circumstances, cannot be expressed in numbers, words, or measurements. God is love. We are incapable of completely receiving it, yet he shows it towards us everyday.

I could go on trying to describe God’s love. But nothing I can say will come close to the description. Because of the love, we must love. It can be through short conversations, text messaging or even just smiling at someone. People need love. Our souls long for it. Reflect what God has shown towards you.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7English Standard Version (ESV)

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[a] it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Psalm 6

When you are younger, no one really tells you how difficult life will get. It is easy to assume that everything will work out in our favor and there will never be worries in life. I was always under the impression that I had to figure out my life for the next ten years while I was a high school student. The pressure seemed unbearable with the financial responsibilities and future decisions dumped onto me. As kids, we just depended on our parents knowing they will take care of us and there would never be anything to worry about. But that will never be the case. After high school it is time to put our grown up pants on and make some decisions about the direction of our lives.

I will be forever grateful that I have parents who taught me the value of a dollar. If it were not for them I would have never learned how to budget money and to not spend money I do not have. What they taught me will benefit me in the long run. But this is not a blog entry about being an independent individual who can solve all their problems.

As Christians we do stand out for our Joy in the Lord. We have peace that there is hope no matter what may occur in life. Even though we have that Joy, we are still people who live in the flesh. We suffer through tragedies and gather up baggage as we grow older. Our lives are no where close to perfect. It does not matter what our social media accounts say or what we are willing to share in Sunday School, we are all broken people. And the moment something goes wrong in our lives, it is natural to automatically look at God ask “why?”

The first semester of college for me was incredibly difficult. The tension between God and I escalated. From financial frustrations with car problems to hurting relationships with important people, I felt lost. I kept asking myself what I was doing wrong. I read my Bible every day, I went to church and got involved, and I participated and led Bible studies. I thought I was doing a good Christian should do and that nothing bad should happen to me.

The book of Psalms expresses the pain and joys of the human heart. In Psalms 6 it says:

2 Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint;
    heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in deep anguish.
    How long, Lord, how long?

David is in pain from the suffering going on around him. He does the right thing and calls unto the Lord for help. But feels God is not listening due the long amount of time he has been waiting.

I think all Believers can relate whether they would like to admit it or not. We have this mind set of thinking we have the right to a way of living. So when life goes down in the dumps, we expect God to fix it. But as time progresses, nights of prayer become countless, we start to wonder if God is even listening to us. Something like that had happened to me. I lost sight of God and focused on the storm in my life and lost all hope. My Bible collected dust and I grew silent to God and the idea of Christianity. But then something happened that regained my hope: I was tired of existing.

I only kept going with my job and friendships because it made me feel something. But that did not fix my problems. My foundation was built upon sand rather than a rock. And because of that, I began to slip. But something changed my heart. A sermon came across me and made me to rethink my life and faith. It is okay to be upset with God, but it is not okay to stay in that place.

God changed my heart in that moment and made me realize how pointless my life was without Him. When something happens in your life, do not give up on praying like me. It may seem like God is taking forever with answering your heart’s cries. But He does hear you. It even says so towards the end of Pslam 6:

I am worn out from my groaning.

All night long I flood my bed with weeping
    and drench my couch with tears.
My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
    they fail because of all my foes.

Away from me, all you who do evil,
    for the Lord has heard my weeping.
The Lord has heard my cry for mercy;
    the Lord accepts my prayer.

Everyday may seem like a battle. And life may not turn to the bright side within days. After I turned back to God, it took me months to get to this peaceful state. But the moment you turn back to Him, a huge change will happen. Your heart will gain hope there will be a better future. A wise mentor I once had said “we show God that we trust Him by waiting.” Waiting is not easy. But it is achievable though. And because you wait on God to turn the direction in your life, He will see that and make the impossible the possible. Isn’t that what faith means?

Mirrors

At my job we have podiums throughout the store. On them are narrow mirrors so customers can get a better look of an outfit they might be trying to put together. Just to be open, as I am walking around the store tidying up, I tend to catch a glimpse of myself in one of those mirrors. Either I admire the outfit or hair I put together, or I quickly look away because “I was not trying” that day. There are other instances when I am at gym (which hasn’t been part of my routine in quite awhile). Men and women will stare at themselves as they are lifting weights or checking out their muscles. It is often found humorous. Mirrors can be tricky though. In the mall, certain stores have the mirrors in the fitting rooms that make you look thinner than you actually are. You will feel more confident and are more likely to buy the outfit you are trying on. Then there are cameras. Some like how the look in the mirror verses their camera lens. Others may feel the other way around. But the purpose of mirrors are to reflect what you cannot see.

God sees the big picture. He knew you before you were in your mother’s womb. He knows every detail of your past; including the details you may not want Him to know about. He also sees you in the present. He is quite aware of every struggle you are enduring. But here is the encouraging part: He knows your future and has already written and read your story. And He wants to help you with where you are at this very moment to get to the good parts of your story. As much as we may want to know what our future holds, He has a reason for keeping certain things hidden from you. In 1 Corinthians 13:12 “12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known,” we are given what we need to know for this time in our lives. Life is lived in vanity- no matter how old you are. As a college student I am most certainly living in vanity. I have no idea where I will be in the next two years, I have no idea what career I will have, or who/ when I will meet the man I am suppose to marry. But shouldn’t I be relieved? I do not have to figure out my life. And neither do you. A year ago, I was a high school senior without a clue with the direction for my life. Now, I am a college student with desires I thought I would never have. Some of them never even crossed my mind. That is how God is though. He is mysterious and enjoys surprising us with good things.

Being content is one of my weaknesses. There are days I feel like I am not doing enough or I am not doing what I should be doing. Neither of those things are true. God has you where you are for a reason. If you keep praying faithfully and listen in obedience, God will lead you to fulfill His big picture. Focus on what is in the mirror. He will add more to the reflection when His right time comes.

Comfort

Isaiah 12:1 “you will say in that day: for though you were angry with me, your anger turned away, that you might comfort me.”
God is hurt by the things we pursue. A lot of the times, we put earthly things before God and they become idols. Or we become so focused on the current situation, we forget who our Father is. This whole year, God has been teaching me how much He loves me. I struggle with accepting love from others, but not anymore. People are going to let you down in life. Can you blame them? No, they are people. We will let down others too. But we can’t base our attitudes and moods on their words or actions. We cannot expect a lot from them. But still love them of course. But the amazing thing about God is that His.love is perfect. He cares. We may upset Him but He will never leave us. We may not realize it, but the suffering we endure can give something good to come out of it. He does not cause it to happen but allow it. And he knows what He is doing. Life is rough. Even if you are a christian, you will still suffer the hardships. But what makes us different, is that we have hope that no one else has. Right now, we may often ask why are things the way they are. But there is a bigger picture out there. We are the puzzle pieces that form it. If you are very troubled, call out to Him and ask Him for something good to come out of it. I’ll give you an example. Recently I put diesel in my car. It does not take diesel. Don’t ask how or why, it just happened. I still don’t know what I was doing. But I was blessed with neighbors who knew what they were doing with cars. We spent a whole night draining the diesel out and putting new gas in. I felt so embarrassed and was upset. But I prayed “please lord! Let something good come out of this.” And believe it or not, my car runs a lot better than it ever did. I don’t have to take it to a mechanic to have the tank cleaned. It saved me a bunch of cash. But my whole point is, right now something is not going to make sense. But call to Him. He will comfort you. Seek comfort in Him, rather than food, tv ect. His comfort is definitely more fullfilling.